Never EVER Let this Be You

[Tanis Half Elven]

Well I finally decided to tell this story to others, and well this is as good a spot as any. Most likely this will be deleted but at least maybe someone will read this. I'm gay (If you have a problem with that bite me!) and well one day when I was at the (horse) track I saw this jockey and I was floored. At first I thought it was the lust bullshit crap thing but when I talked to him the first time I was floored, completely and totally blown away by this guy. So I decide to wait for a while to see if my feelings change after a year they don't.

I at first decide to think about the consequences of my actions before telling him and the scariest one was career assasination, all it would take is one bigott in the wrong postion to kill his career.

(Two years have past since I first saw him.) I decide to write to him in Florida and tell him in the letter how I felt about him so that if he didn't feel the same way he could simply dispose of the letter. I couldn't bring myself to do it, <sigh> but when he was back here at the Toronto track I'd go see him at least once a month and talk to him in the sense of a friend, Never told him how I felt so I'd feel like shit deep down everytime because I was so close and yet so fucking far. Three years, four years well actually it has been now a little over 5 years since I first saw him, still haven't told him, and now I can barely face the man, or the track.

Now I feel like I've been severed from what I would classify as my soulmate with no hopes of getting together without hurting him in the process. I look at other people and still do comparisons to him, can't force myself not to.

NEVER LET THIS BE YOU! TELL PEOPLE WHEN GIVEN THE OPPURTUNITY AND IF YOU FEEL STRONG ENOUGH FOR THE PERSON DON'T LET ANYTHING STAND IN YOUR WAY OF THEM. Or you can end up like me bitter, cynical, and destined for lonliness at the age of 20.

(Thanks for letting me say all this here those who run the forum and specially this section.)

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"From chaos order is born, but from order chaos comes"

[Koliedrus]

You shared your story in a good place. Unless you decide to delete it, it won't happen.

If my math is right, you were fifteen when this infatuation (for lack of a better word) began. Now you're 20.

I'm not Dr. Laura or Oprah so my opinions should be taken with a grain of salt.

Send a letter. Make it short and keep the details to a minimum. Make contact before you write off the experience. You never know unless you try. Only THEN can you go on and stop comparing your seemingly perfect person to those you meet.

Your sexual preference is of no consequence. Your experience is genderless when viewed as a whole. This forum is all about Life Experiences.

Thanks for sharing yours here.

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[King Bastard]

I'm with Kol on this one. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, goes the saying. Also, seeing as how your 20, there's still a lifetime ahead of you to find a person with whom you connect in ways that others cannot duplicate. Even if this does not go as you would like it too, it doesnt mean that all hope is lost.

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[The Rapist]

Tanis,
Everyone has given you sound and sage thoughts regarding your dilemma.

Just a couple of thoughts here: I don't know whether you are more pained with:
a) not contacting him
b) the thoughts in your head regarding why you choose not to contact him, or
c) the fact that he is not who he really is, but is a fantasy of yours, built up over the last several years, and you can't have a fantasy.

Since you have created this world, you will need to evaluate your true stand on this subject. Do you want to talk to him? - then write him a letter. Make the choice.
Should he respond, then great - you will have an answer (although it may not be what you want to hear). If he does not respond, you still have an answer. Either way you can then move to the next level.

Your world is of your own creation, and you can create all sorts of problems in it that really do not exist. Is there a secondary gain for this kind of thinking?

Each day you are creating history, that you will one day have to look back upon. Do today, what you will be proud of tomorrow.

"Sitting in your room, thinking about a wonderful future, will not make it come true, like sitting in your garage and pretending to be a car will make you one."

[Tanis Half Elven]

Well I followed your advice guys and wrote him a letter but it can only get to him through the OJC (Ontario Jockey Club) but they won't give it to him till MARCH 31IST. Why because they can't forward letters till the start of the racing year.

A Jo Dee Messina lyric comes to mind when I think of the OJC, "I want you to burn! Burn for mr baby, like a candle in the night...BURRRNN!"

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"From chaos order is born, but from order chaos comes"

[The Rapist]

In this wonderful world of information, don't let them stop you. I'm betting there are lots of ways to find who you're looking for using the same tools for browsing the net or responding to these posts.

" problems are only lessons in disquise"

[Koliedrus]

I'm curious, Tanis. Without supplying details such as names and places, would it be possible for you to give us the gist of your letter?

Rapist also (as usual) brings up several good points.

Take your time but learn from the resources you have in front of you.

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[Tanis Half Elven]

Well I've drained the resources I can trying to figure out which of the 35 listings for the last name in the phone book (After obvious elimation techniques).

Koliedus you wanna see teh letter? Here it is.

Good afternoon (in all likelihood that's when you'll be reading this.) I hope you're doing ok, I also hope you read this letter all the way through. (Even though you may have the urge to throw it out half way through.)

I turned it over and over in my mind and have decided the most direct way is the best way. For many years I've wanted to ask you this question (Please read on after the question.) I have always wondered if you were gay or not.

The reason being that 6 years ago, when I first laid eyes upon you I'd have to say I…was knocked dumb founded. Then I talked to you a bit, and watched the way you dealt with various types of people. (Children, peers, fans etc.) Well seeing that I said I'd be blunt, I fell in love with you. Wait let me rephrase this I want to fall in love with you. (There are various factors such as compatibility, likes/dislikes, your sexual orientation that could change that.) So for 6 years I've had these feelings for you, (No it isn't some sort of physical thing. As handsome as you are, I'd rather spend the night talking with you.)

Why am I choosing this route to deal with it? The reasons are plentiful, in person it could be an uncomfortable situation for you, which would make it an uncomfortable situation for me. Someone could over hear the conversation which could lead to one of many varying levels of aggravation for you. Let us not forget one of the main reasons that keeps a person from doing something…fear and all of the what if scenarios it generates. (What if you aren't and this is the result, what if you are and this is the result.)

Well now I've said what I wanted to, I hope you can write back no matter what the answer to the question is. (Even if your insulted by this letter write back and tell me so. Any answer is better than no answer.) Of course if you chose not to write back, hey what can I do, you might have decided that this is a prank or that I'm some kind of crazy person and no matter how much I assure you I'm not I'd be hard not to change your mind. Here's my ICQ # (if you have access to a computer that has the program) ######## if you want to give me an answer that way. Or if you want to talk to me in any other way just write back saying so.


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"From chaos order is born, but from order chaos comes"

[Koliedrus]

Again, my curiosity afflicts me.

How do you feel now that you've sent the message, Tanis? You've opened up yourself and have also released a substantial weight.

No matter the eventual outcome, I think the final result will be quite positive!

Respond at your leisure.



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