To get it off my chest ... [Archive]

View Full Version : To get it off my chest ...

FallenAngel

05-01-2001, 11:20 PM

I just finished chatting with my aunt on a messanger. And she gave me alot of really bad news so now I need to blow off some steam ....

A little history.

* about 9 years ago my parents got divorced.
* about 8 1/2 years ago my mom remarried.
* i was only about 12 and even I could tell he was bad news.

By the time they were married a year he was already beating her on a regular basis. And hiding it. He was verbally abusive to me and my sister from they first day. As they years went by he only got worse. More physically and verbally abusive to my mom. And more and more verbally abusive to my sister.

* about 6 years ago my half brother was born.

For awhile my step father got better. cut back on his 24/7 drinking. and for wawhile it seemed better.

* Up until this point i had only lived with me dad and visited my mom. but I got in some trouble and was sent to live with her.

While living there I watched as my mom became some kind of co dependant on this guy who treated her worse than dirt. She claimed she loved him and that i just didnt understand ... A few times he got so violent with her that I called the police ... to which my mom denied everything and later i was punsished. Then 4 years ago only after about 6 month of living there. It was Easter sunday. And my step dad had been drinking all day. He started in on my mom first ...first verbally then of course physically. but then he turned on my sister because she didnt put a dish away... I tried to stop him and got hurled across the room. It didnt stop there. He went on about how it was my fault that it happened and i should ever get in his way ... I left the room and dialled 911.... I didnt even get to say anything before he started beating on me. Thankfully the phone didnt hang up and police were dispatched ... arival time almost 45 minutes later. by then I had managed to get out of the house with my sister and down the street to neighbors house. the police found me there and brought me back to my house were apparently my step dad wasnt there because he had left sometime after i did. I told the police what had happened and my mom came out and told them I was lying and that I was a trouble child and that her husband wasnt even home cause he was away on business. That killed me. My mom choose the abusive asshole over me. The next day i was on my home t my dads my sister too. I told her when i left i would never speak to her again. for awhile she tried to call and talk to me .. i told her as long as she wanted to choose him over her own children i wouldnt talk to her. once she even lied and told me he was finally gone. I found out from my aunt she was lying to me.

Over the years she stopped trying to talk to me and I tried to stop caring. My half brother seems to be the only one ammuned to my step father. Now its been almost 4 years since ive talked to my mom.

I still get news thru my aunt (mom's sister). And recently I found out that my step dad not only was using drugs but apprently stealing on a regular basis and even started to deal drugs ... apparently right now he is in jail.. and my mom has decided to move up to new york (where my aunt and grandparents live) ... at first i thought this was good ...

I found out to dad that both my granparents health is seriously failing they are both going to the hospital soon for surgeries. And my mom has annouced that she is moving to new york as soon as my step dad is out of jail (apprently he was caught dealing).

Im furious. My grandparents are about the most kind forgiving ppl in the world. they went thru their retriement money sending it to my mom to help her get on her feet when all the time she was giving it over to my step dad. My grandparents have given every cent to the point where the are now indebt trying to help her. and now she plans to bring the asshole that has caused most of these problems up there... knowing that he hasnt changed and only gotten worse. so now i fear not just for my little half brother but for my grandparents as well. their health is to fragile to be exposed to someone like my step dad.

I just truely dont understand how my mother can be so damn ******* and oblevious (sp?) to all the harm this man has caused. I want to take her and strangle her for hurting this family so much and i want to strangle her more for being stupid enough to put my grandparents into danger. It hurts me to think she abandoned me. But it hurts more to think she can do something so dumb as to put my grandparents and aunt in danger because of her stupid mistakes.

ARRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I hate her.


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And one time at band camp...

gone~away

05-01-2001, 11:24 PM

sometimes punishing yourself is more important than the wellbeing of others...

thats where i think your mother is at...

im sorry FA...

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Pianomahnn

05-01-2001, 11:59 PM

I think that's the only thread I've read that long. And I'm glad I did. Stay strong, FA. You're doing well. Just don't make the same mistake your mom did.

I just don't understand some people. Mainly women. Why, and how they can do the things they do for the men they "love." How you could love someone who beats you, I have no idea. It boggles my mind. I just want to talk some sense into these women. Thankfully I'm on the far other side of the spectrum, and could never hurt anyone like that. I also want to kill men like that. They are why mom normally get the kids and the dads dont.

So many things...

Keep it head strong, FA. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

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Pianomahnn

05-02-2001, 12:02 AM

db post

[This message has been edited by Pianomahnn (edited 05-01-2001).]

FallenAngel

05-02-2001, 12:28 AM

thanx guys .... it just the whole thing gets me down ... bah ..anyways .. thanx 

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And one time at band camp...

Deadpool

05-02-2001, 01:39 AM

......great....that made me sad. http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/frown.gif
I'll go run it off.
I also just like to add that I admire FallenAngel's courage.
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Fuck you I wont do what you tell me. -RATM

[This message has been edited by Deadpool (edited 05-01-2001).]

Dog Breath

05-02-2001, 02:55 AM

I wouldn't blame your mother FA. She is just trying to stay alive and keep her pain to a minimum. She probably believes (and most likely has been told) that he will kill her and you if she ever left him. She has to pretend to love hin and lie to herself to stay sane. While he is in prison you should get her psychological help. She does not really want to be in that situation but she probably thinks she deserves to be there for not being strong enough to protect you.
I know from the inside of the situation this sounds like bullshit but it is the normal cycle of events in a violent relationship.
That and I am talking out my ass because I want to help but I know I cant.

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Woof.
If it's so sick, why are you laughing?
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Kayla

05-02-2001, 10:42 AM

well, i have to respond to this. I'm so sorry first of all. I know what its like to have mother problems. I wish i had some sort of advice to give but considering im having my own problems with my mom right now. Just stay strong, things will turn out for the best i hope.

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Your such an inspiration for the ways that i will never ever choose to be

FallenAngel

07-22-2001, 08:18 AM

An Update:

For those that are interested ...

My mom decided to move back home with her parents (my grandparents) about a month ago. she just woke up one morning called my aunt and told her she needed to leave as soon as possible (no planning what so ever) my aunt who is about 5 months pregnant couldnt go .. so my uncle dropped everything and took the next flight down to help her pack ...

They rented a moving truck and drove from texas to newyork because my uncle got awhold of me before they left i offered them a place to sleep for one of the nights since it would be along the route they had ... he accepted and there they were ... my mom , my half brother and my uncle

my mother who i havent spoken to in several years (over 6-7) and my brother who i havent seen in almost as long ... my brother reemebers me, for which i am eternaly greatful and it nearly cry at how much hes grown ... (jeeze hes almost as tall as me!!!)

My mom tries to act like nothing ever happenend like im still 12 and i still love her as much as before ... i am polite and not wanting to start a fight i let her live in her fantasy world .. my unlce has heard my side many times and tries to keep her distracted from me ...

Its a really short visit ... not more than 10 hours 8 of which they slept ... and once again my mother and brother are gone from my life ...

i told my mother once a long time ago that i would talk to her again if she left him ... but i never said i would forgive her...

a couple weeks after they get back to new york .. i have already talked to my aunt and uncle twice and my grandparents once on the phone ... my mom emails me ... apparently she got my address from my grandparents ..

anyways she writes and tells me how happy she is that i am talking to her and she cant wait to here about my life and everything i been doing ... not once does she apoligize... not once does she admit what she did was wrong ... that what she did hurtme .. she ignores everything that happened and pretends its all normal againmaybe im wrong ... but i cant accept that

i havent forgiven her for anything .. some of it i dont think i can ever forgive ... i think i deserve and apoligy ..several ... i need to her here tell me what she did was wrong to admit how much she hurt me ...

so i email her back
and i told her how i felt ... i told her i wasnt tryingto be mean ... buthonest ... something that we both needed to do. i told her how much i hated her and i toldher of all the things i remember her letting hapen to me ... how much pain i suffered because she couldn't or wouldnt protect me ...

and i told her she wasnt forgiven ..
the email had a lot o details about specific incidents that happens ... most that only she and i and joe (step dad) knew had happened ... things i couldnt even admit to anyone else ...

the next day my grandparents call me and tell me my mother showed them the letter ...

i love my granparents and i know they love me with all their hearts .... but the email i sent was for my mother and no one else ... the things i wrote werent ment for my grandparentsto know about .. there was no reason they needed to know. and i felt hurt that they hurt after what they read ...
most of my wounds from that have healed ... but to my grandparents they were fresh wounds and thats ot something my grandparents deserve.

the day after that my aunt and uncle called ... my grandparents shared with them what was in the letter ... this didnt bother me as much because my aunt and uncle had already been my confidant for most everything else ... but what hurt my more was my mothers lack of response ....

now here i sit a month later and still i get no response ...

my mother is weak. she doesnt take responsibility for her actions ..
i dont blame her for Joe (step father) did to me. What I blame her for is letting it happen
over and over and over and over again ...
looking back their were so many times she could have left him
or she couldhave atleast kept me and my sister away from him
but she didnt and as adult she should have .... protecting her children should have been much more important than her new husband.

new wounds have now been opened watch as i bleed.



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And one time at band camp...

Mudflap

07-22-2001, 10:11 PM

FA, forgive your mom already. Not because she deserves it. Because YOU deserve it. The resentment you harbor, while perfectly justified, is poisoning your soul. It is obvious that your mom is not likely to take responsibility for allowing harm to come to you, but forgive her anyway.

I admire your strength and convictions. I challenge you to be strong enough to release your resentment and remove the tremendous burden you've carried for years.

Best wishes.

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Even the losers...
Get lucky sometimes.

Mudflap

07-22-2001, 10:31 PM

Inky posted this in another thread. Despite the many differences of opinions Inky and I have hashed out on this forum, I will be eternally grateful to her for posting this where I could read it. It is a tad lengthy, but priceless in the wisdom it offers.

How can I forgive someone who betrays me again and again?

The people that I forgive are not always worthy of my trust and take advantage of my forgiveness. Afterwards, I feel foolish and angry at them and myself. I try again and forgive, and once again am devastated when I am deceived or manipulated.

How can I forgive a loved one and I realize that he continues to betray my trust?

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It is not possible for someone to take advantage of your forgiveness. Forgiveness does not have anything to do with other people. It has everything to do with you.
Forgiveness is letting go of your resentment, disappointment, anger, and hurt. When you do, you are free from these prisons. They no longer captivate your attention. They no longer intrude on your thoughts and your sleep. You are no longer steeped in anger and righteous indignation. You no longer feel the need to convince others that you have been wronged. You give up being a victim, and step into a lighter, less restricted consciousness.

Forgiveness is self healing. Before you forgive, you are fixated on what has not gone the way that you wanted it to go. Not forgiving is holding on to your expectations. Forgiving is releasing them.

The feeling of being betrayed by someone that you have forgiven is not as simple a matter as it appears, but once you understand that your expectations are involved, it becomes much clearer. When you feel that you have been betrayed by someone, it is because you have expectations about that person that he or she did not fulfill. Forgiving means letting go of those expectations. Once you do that, there is nothing for anyone to betray, and no way that you can feel betrayed.

If you say to yourself that you have forgiven someone, but you haven’t let go of your expectations, your forgiveness is not really forgiveness. It is an attempt to manipulate that person into behaving in a way that is acceptable to you. When he or she doesn’t do that, you feel betrayed. It is really the failure of your attempt to manipulate that hurts. You wanted something to happen, and it didn’t. Not forgiving is insisting that another person be the way that you want him or her to be. Forgiving is letting go of that insistence. It allows you to see clearly, instead of through the filters of your desires.

Once you see clearly, you can act appropriately. If that requires that you change your relationships, you can do that with an open heart. You do not have to resent someone in order to make a change in your life. You can do it because it is appropriate, because you see changes that you want to make, and you make them.

Here is the main point: If you forgive, but continue to resent, you have not forgiven. If you forgive, but tell others how happy you are to be done with the ordeal, you have not forgiven. If your heart is not light and happy, you have not forgiven.

Forgiving is choosing a light and happy heart instead of anger and resentment. Anger and resentment are very attractive. You cannot be a victim without them. You cannot live with a light and happy heart and be a victim at the same time.

The choice is yours.

-Gary Zukav

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Even the losers...
Get lucky sometimes.

The Ghost Who Walks

07-29-2001, 01:26 PM

If my parents ever split and my mum remarried to some abusive asshole, I would kick his ass so hard he would never walk again. Woman beaters are one of the few things that can get me angry enough to beat someone up (rapists are another, like when I beat my ex g/f's b/f up when he raped her and left her) and I would get my mother out of there kicking and screaming. But that would never happen, my mother is a battleaxe, she would turf him before I would...............

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"First they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew, so I didn't stand up. Then they came for the political dissidents, but I wasn't one of those, so I didn't stand up. Then they came for the Catholic ministers, but I was not one of those, so I didn't stand up. Then they came for the Protestants, and there was no-one left to stand up for me"
"Justice, not revenge"
"The final solution, you see, is really final, because people who are converted can yet be Jews in secret, people expelled can return. But people who are dead can not reappear........."

baccaruda

08-08-2001, 05:46 AM

when you forgive someone, you aren't giving them absolution or agreeing to forget the issue of cause...
rather, you are communicating to them that you are letting go of all the negativity that you hold onto ALONG with the issue. It's a package deal.

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We are building a fighting force of extra-ordinary magnitude.
We forge our spirits in the traditions of our ancestors.
You have our gratitude.

Koliedrus

08-08-2001, 11:44 AM

<BLOCKQUOTE><HR>Originally posted by baccaruda:
 when you forgive someone, you aren't giving them absolution or agreeing to forget the issue of cause...
rather, you are communicating to them that you are letting go of all the negativity that you hold onto ALONG with the issue. It's a package deal.

[/quote]
Oooooo! Baccaruda! http://www.thehypertribe.net/ubb/smile.gif

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Oyster-brain in a cookie jar.